Top Ten application, part three

TOP FIFTEEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE SUMMIT ON GLOBAL WARMING

15. Plans for a field trip to the brothel in Nevada that draws 10% of its power from solar energy

14. "Can we speed this up? I left my truck running and it's double-parked."

13. "Whoo, put your hand there! Now that's warm!"

12. "Jerry Lewis is the funniest person of all time."

11. "Two large ice waters, please."

10. "Ozone, schmozone. Did you get the keg?"

9. The quiet, gentle lullabye of environmental activists' fists hammering on the inside of 55-gallon drums out back

8. "If the greenhouse effect is going to produce tomatoes like that attendee from Finland, shovel on the coal!"

7. "Got a light?"

6. Members of the hired band arguing about whether or not to play "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes"

5. "Actually, burning sod is a viable alternative to solar energy."

4. "Now you're cooking with gas!"

3. That wacky Dr. Feldman going on and on about his "Pig Methane and Hamhocks" franchising idea

2. "They said that the ice cubes in these drinks came from genuine melted Alaskan glaciers!"

... and the number 1 thing overheard at the Summit on Global Warming:

1. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

(Third in a series: part one, part two)

Top Ten application, part two

Second in a series of retroblogging from 1997.

TOP ELEVEN WAYS TO TELL THAT YOUR SOCKS DON'T MATCH

11. Just "don't feel fresh"
10. Midget chicks at the local dive look the other way when you saunter in
9. "Use the Force, Luke!"
8. One hip wader left behind when buddies pull your drunken a** out of the mud flats
7. "Spiked Vietcong Sock of Death" usually requires stitches
6. Cars always veer to your *left* when night jogging on the median
5. I don't know, but that's the last time I show Michael Jackson where I stash my underclothes
4. Keep having to drop pom-poms to pull up one knee-high, but it won't come up any higher
3. When used as a filter, left sock mysteriously produces decaf
2. That blue-tick hound always goes for the leg with the Smurfs on it whenever you show up at Uncle Carl's trailer

and the number one way to tell your socks don't match ...

1. "But I *am* wearing the other sock!"

Top Ten application, part one

Back in 1998, I tried out to be a contributor to a humorous web site. To apply, you had to take a seemingly hard-to-be-funny-about topic and make a "Top Ten"-style list about it. I stumbled upon one of them today.

TOP FOURTEEN TOOTHBRUSH-HANDLE STYLES

14. Hari-Kari Combo
13. Hands-Free (with jaw strap; batteries not included)
12. Early Colonial Wood Grain
11. Ribbed (for her pleasure)
10. Hollow-point
9. Shaped-just-like-Ernest-Borgnine-naked
8. Bouffant
7. Self-cleaning (heats to 600 degrees)
6. Flared
5. Louisville Slugger
4. Mark IV (with "stun" option)
3. Dr. Guillotine's Razor-Edge Grip(tm) with realistic Finger-in-the-Sink Action
2. Pre-greased

and the number-one toothbrush-handle style ...

1. Thighmaster

I would have rocked.